It sounds like you're going through a lot right now, and it's completely understandable to feel confused and scared when you're grappling with your identity and beliefs. Many people experience similar feelings when their understanding of themselves seems to conflict with their religious or cultural background.
Here's a breakdown of some things to consider:
* Sexuality is complex: It's not always a simple label. Sometimes, attraction can be specific to an individual, and that doesn't necessarily mean you fit neatly into a certain category. It's okay to feel drawn to one person without feeling that way about others.
* Explore your feelings: Give yourself time and space to understand what you're feeling. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor can be helpful in exploring your emotions and identity.
* Religion and LGBTQ+ identities: Different religions and denominations have varying perspectives on same-sex relationships and LGBTQ+ identities. Some interpretations are more accepting than others.
* Your relationship with God is personal: How you reconcile your faith with your identity is a deeply personal journey. Some people find ways to integrate their faith and their sexuality, while others may struggle with it.
* Seek out affirming resources: There are many organizations and communities that offer support and resources for LGBTQ+ individuals who are also religious. These resources can provide a safe space to explore your faith and identity.
* Take your time: There's no rush to figure everything out. It's okay to not have all the answers right now. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself the time and space to explore your feelings and beliefs.
It might be beneficial to talk to someone who can provide support and guidance as you navigate these complex issues. This could be a therapist, counselor, or a trusted religious leader who is open and affirming. Remember, you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help you on your journey.